Reading: The Creative Act: A Way Of Being
Watching: JOJO's part 6
Playing: Frostpunk
Listening: The Mountain Goats - The Sunset Tree

December was a struggle for me. Honestly this whole year was. My financial situation has never been worse, but my creative practice was rekindled in the latter half of 2024, which is encouraging. I quit my waitressing job of three years back in May, then spent the better part of five months unemployed, got hired & fired at a bar downtown, and ended up working at an office supply store's printing department. The time I spent unemployed probably led to the best mental health I've had since 2018... which is frustrating now that I'm employed again and can feel it declining.

The other day my boss and manager sat me down to give me the number of a mental health hotline because my coworkers have reported concerns. I've been spending my breaks having panic attacks in the bathroom, or showing up to work with red, puffy eyes from crying. I only get paid minimum wage, and my girlfriend works part-time, also for minimum. We haven't been able to afford the insurance on her car for nearly four months since she left her previous job due to unaddressed harassment. On our current pay we're still struggling to afford food and rent. It's hard to imagine a better future, with how the world around us is going and how high prices for everything are rising. Many days I wonder if there's any point at all. In the meantime, my light at the end of the tunnel is going to trade school in the fall of 2025 to learn welding.

I will say, I like welding! I've done it before, and I think it's really cool. As far as jobs go it's probably a decent fit for me. But still, I'm sad there isn't a way to take more time for myself, to sort out my baggage and mental blocks, get those creative juices flowing more, find my identity as an artist without distraction. Unfortunately there's no way to exist in this world comfortably without a constant flow of income, and there's no way to get money without working. At least I can try to get funding for my education, and I'll probably take on more student loans so I only have to work part time while in my two year program. (More debt, yay!! at least the trades tend to pay better than minimum...)

I guess my hesitation comes from a few places. It feels like I'm giving up on becoming an artist, like I'm admitting I've failed (I mean, objectively I have if we're speaking career-wise.) For over two decades of my life I've dreamed of living as an artist, of spending all my time making stories and illustrations. Going back to school feels like I'm going backwards on my progress. But really I haven't made much progress this past decade, have I? My skills have gotten better, sure, but what about my creative voice? Maybe this will be good for me in the long run. Maybe I should focus less on being an artist, and focus more on how I personally want to interact with the world.

Not to negate everything I've worked for, I don't think I could give up on art if I tried. But I need to learn how to survive first. I want to get a decent job in the trades so my girlfriend doesn't have to choose between paying rent and her phone bill, so that I can take my cat to the vet for her yearly checkups. So that I don't have to think about money quite so much, and can deepen my relationship with my art without expecting it to result in a paycheck. I need to be less stressed and scared, because I can't fight for a better world like this. I've only attended maybe one or two protests this year, I don't volunteer, I don't feel like I have any connection to local politics or activism. I need to have a clear goal so I don't just fall into fear and depression.

So then, what are my goals? Maybe I should set a New Years Resolution..? If you had asked me a month ago I would've said my resolution would be to sell art at markets, but I think I'm pivoting. I still want to make art, every single day if I can. But I think I want my main goal to be to set a strong foundation of security. Financially, mentally, creatively, and spiritually, I need to lay down foundations for the future. Financially, I need to secure grants and scholarships for school, and focus energy on building connections while I'm there, so I can get a good job. Mentally, I need to continue therapy, and really work on myself and my mindset. Creatively, I need to challenge myself and make art that brings joy and depth to my life. Spiritually, I need to connect to the world around me, and be aware of my place in a larger whole. I can't let this world tear me down, because cowering in fear only gives power to the people that create the systems I'm trapped in. If I want to escape, I have to be able to take care of myself and my loved ones. Then I can learn to fight back, and build the community necessary to do so.