Reading: The Radium Girls, Chainsaw Man
Watching: JoJo's Bizarre Adventure (and like 10 other things with my gf)
Playing: Paradise Killer, Book of Hours, Valheim
Listening: Spotify's "Funky Disco Mix" which isn't very disco but is fun

I've been noticing an interesting thought pattern of mine in recent years. I'm so much more self-conscious than I was in my early 20s. Some of that is to be expected, young adults are pretty well known for their baseless confidence and blown-up sense of intelligence. The idea of humbled widsom in age and knowing how much you do not know, etc, is pretty wide spread. However I feel like my self-consciousness has coincided with a lot of anxiety about my self worth, intelligence, and even my appearance.

About a year ago I started wearing makeup pretty regularly, because my girlfriend wears makeup daily and I was curious about it. I had struggled with acne for a year or so and was feeling negatively about my appearance. At first it was fun, but over time I found it brought me a lot of anxiety. I enjoy looking my best when I go out, my wardrobe is quite small but fairly well curated. Once I got used to it, makeup also became part of what I imagined "looking my best" to be. This added an extra 20+ minutes to my morning routine, AND started to cause anxiety whenever I was unable to do my makeup or failed to do it to my satisfaction. This was very new to me, as I had spent about 25 years of my life never wearing makup outside of special occasions, like modelling or graduation. Now I was spending so much more time thinking about my appearance, my makeup, my clothes, my hair, etc. I noticed daily thoughts about shopping for new clothes or accessories. My new fixations brought along a sense of shame. I felt so vain and shallow. It felt like I was losing myself.

This came after years of battling with my perception of my own intelligence. Growing up I always considered myself to be quite smart. I was a good student and took steps to further my knowledge where I could. I was praised for my intellect and curiosity. In recent years however, I feel I have let myself languish and wasted my potential. (This is nonesense of course. I'm only 26, but it feels emotionally true no matter what I tell myself.) I had not read a book that wasn't a comic in several years. I found my ability to articulate my thoughts was worsening. I wasn't keeping up with current events, and felt lost and stupid whenever I was asked my political opinions. I was only able to say what I had learned or felt years prior with no updates for nuance or age. I found myself backing out of conversations out of fear of sounding stupid, which only made me feel worse, it was like all I could talk about was social media, fashion, or the last youtube video I watched. I felt incredibly boring. Outside of D&D (which I feel you can only discuss for so long without being a nuisance in non-player circles) I didn't even have a hobby I was devoted to. I was still struggling with my art and had no strength in my identity as an artist. All I could talk about was what I wished I was doing.

I'm not sure what shook me out of this trap. Part of it might've been quitting my job. I had clearly been in a funk the three years I worked there, and quitting offered a clean slate of sorts. I also had to pull tighter on my purse strings. Not wearing makeup made sense financially while unemployed. I stopped shaving, which I had only started doing regularly since dating my current partner (not because of her, I was just anxious getting back into dating.) I tried to pull apart the associations in my head, figuring out where my newly acquired preferences were coming from. I was aware I was following common beauty standards, but I think part of me thought that since I was aware of it I would not be pulled in, and everything I was doing was simply because I aesthetically preferred it. So I considered. Did the act of putting on and wearing makup bring me joy? No, so I cut it out. Did the act of dressing up when I went out bring me joy? Yes! So I still dress my best and work hard to curate a wardrobe I love, while curbing any thoughts that are a bit too consumerist-minded for my comfort.

Another thing that helped was actually reading books again. During a hangout a few weeks ago a friend lent me a copy of "Educated" by Tara Westover. Along with being an incredible memoir, it reminded me of the joys of self-education. I had forgotten that when I find books I genuinely enjoy and am curious about, reading no longer feels like a chore. I had forgotten how much just the act of reading can teach you. I started reading poetry again, and seeking out writing on concepts and moments in time I found interesting. Right now I'm reading "The Radium Girls" by Kate H. Moore. On standby I have The Confessions of Saint Augustine. Even just reading a small amout when I find the time seems to be repairing my sense of self quite rapidly. It's almost comical how simple it all feels.

Embracing my gender identity helps too, though I would still consider it a work in progress. Being genderqueer means a great deal to me, so does being a woman. The two are not mutually exclusive. I have always loved high femme fashion and aesthetics, and thought if I worked hard to embrace that "perfect femme aesthetic" I could use it to be subversive somehow, like a daily drag performance. You may be able to tell, dear reader, that all this wasn't very well thought out. I wonder if I should just give real drag a go instead?

I wouldn't consider myself especially confident yet, but all these little improvements are adding up, and I'm sure I'll see more improvements as the months and years go by. Once I get a job and become more financially stable I'll have to take precautions not to fall into the same slump. It's too easy nowadays for the world to become a blur, and to let my mind latch on to the nearest easy fix to cope. This stretch of unemployment has been a good reset to let myself catch my breath. I hope I can take these lessons forward with me, and I suppose if I lose my way I will have this blog as a reminder.