A month ago I quit my job. It's been rough, the current job market isn't very encouraging. I'm surviving though, with my small savings and support from friends. I won't lie, I've questioned whether it was a good idea or not since then. It's scary when you don't know if spending an extra $5 on food this week is gonna bankrupt you in 3 weeks time. I'm lucky that my old job told me I can come back whenever I want, but I can't go back for a lot of different reasons, so I'm getting by for now, applying for different jobs, and hoping something good shows up.

In the meantime, I've had a lot more time for thinking. I've finally started reading again, after years of saying I wanted to, and I've been drawing. It feels like I'm finally letting myself interact with the world after years of being disconnected from it. I've just been running on empty for so long, probably since 2019. I did a zine about it a year ago actually. Looking back at it, I still feel the same frustration. But I think I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Not because I'm drawing more or working on projects, but because I can feel my mindset shifting, and I'm learning to relax. I'm learning how to reflect, and do what's best for my health even when it's not the most productive or most fun.

I'm taking a cautious step toward sharing more of my art, but making sure not to put the cart before the horse. I've been longing to do art markets and conventions again, but I'm not applying to any until I have the stock built up. I don't want to use anxiety as a motivator. I've decided to start organizing my online presence too. I've completely redone this neocities from the ground up, and it'll be my central hub online for me to share things more casually. Eventually I want to add a comments box so people can add comments here too! I've also taken on a new username, Lily in Waiting, which I'm using for my more "professional" accounts since that will be my handle for markets and such, like a business name. Sites like this, my artfight, and other casual accounts still have my old username, since I'm not planning on using them in a professional sense.

I think dividing things up in this way will help me with my anxiety posting online. I always felt like kind of a poser, never quite knowing where I belonged or how I wanted to interact in the spaces I was in. Now that I've got this site cleared up, and am dividing my personal and professional presence a bit more, I feel a lot better about how I want to proceed.

I don't think I have too much more I want to write, so here's a poem by Mary Oliver I've been reading over and over this past week:

       
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting -
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things. 

 
Mary Oliver
Wild Geese